Wednesday, February 27th is Pink Shirt Day in support of anti-bullying. For the first time, I'm going to talk about my experiences as a victim of bullying, in the hopes that it may help someone, somewhere, to either survive, or understand, or rethink their own actions.
Bullying changed me. It made me the person I am. And not in the good sense. Not in the "it made me a better person" sense. It made me always second guess myself. It made me a person who freezes up in an argument, doesn't say what's on their mind, and lacks confidence. I'm a good person. I'm smart and capable and I can make a decent argument for something I believe in. But I'm certainly not the person that the smart, stubborn, self-confident young girl I was should've become.
Some people think bullying is just a part of life. One of those things you have to endure in the process of growing up. I believe those people have never been victims themselves. Bullying doesn't make you stronger, it weakens you. It doesn't toughen you up, it defeats you. And it isn't a right of passage, it's a tragedy you live through.
This year, my Little Man will be starting school. The anxiety I feel over this is unbelievable. And it's not normal mom anxiety over kindergarten. It's crippling anxiety. It makes it hard to breathe. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me cry. I could talk about my experience with bullying and say, "It sucked, but it's over, and it's all ok." But that would be a total lie. It's fifteen years later, and my bully can still ruin my day. Leave me curled in a ball crying to myself over the thought of willingly sending my child to the place where that could even potentially happen to them. Where they could even maybe feel a fraction of what I felt back then. So its not over, it's not made me a better person, and its not all ok. I can say, "Look at the life I have now. Look how great things turned out! Look at my happy home, loving husband, and beautiful children." And it's certainly true, things certainly turned out well for me. But that doesn't heal. I have no idea where my bully is now (last I knew of her she was pregnant in high school), and maybe her life turned out just as nice, or maybe karma's a bitch (I kind of hope so) but wherever she is, and to bullies everywhere, I'd like you to know that it doesn't end for your victims when it ends for you. I'd like you to know that you're still ruining my day.
Wear pink on February 27th and denounce bullying. Let everyone know that it's not ok with you, and then don't let it be! Don't be a bystander. Teach your kids to stand up to injustice, because "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere" (Martin Luther King Jr.), and our kids deserve a better go at school and at life.
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